Everything I Meant to You

I narrowly escaped having my heart clawed from my chest by an enraged gargoyle. Funny, it still feels as if it had been anyway.
I've been doing my best to hide my true feelings from Quirky, determined not to ruin the friendship I have with him. I would rather keep a secret and stay close to him, than tell the truth and risk losing him. It had been hard, but with Father Tilok's words I was able to at least not feel guilty anymore. While not a permanent solution, I felt like it was holding well for the time being.
Then I took second watch last night.
Quirky whispered to me. I hadn't thought he was awake, but he was. He wanted to talk. I was grateful for his company, and glad to have a moment that was at least somewhat alone with him.
After an awkward time, he confessed that he had feelings for me, that he had never met anyone like me. I thought my heart would burst, I was so surprised and happy. Then he said he hadn't been honest with me, he got even quieter. I knew he had some secret he wasn't telling me, he had told me earlier he hoped I always just thought of him as I know him now, and not find out about his past. I wasn't expecting to hear what he told me. I'm not sure his words went into my ears so much as they pierced my heart like a dagger of pure ice, tipped in poison for good measure. He said the first assassin he had told me about several nights before was him. He had been hired by the von Hawkmoor family to kill Grumble and me. He had locked himself in the dungeon, not too long before we arrived there, hoping we would rescue him and take him into our group. He was the one responsible for the horrifying nightmares we had. He had been just waiting for the right moment, until he fell in love with me.
I was utterly horrified. I was so easily taken in. All that time and he had been sent to kill me. He explained that the dark elves who had tried to kill us earlier had been sent to finish the job he could not. He would understand if I wanted him to leave. As awful as his secret was, the thought of watching him turn his back and walk away forever was nearly its equal in pain.
I left it for the morning when I could see his face. I needed time to think. The others, I couldn't even begin to think how they'd react.
When morning came, Quirky was gone. He'd gone to get rabbits for breakfast, looking ever so much like the gnome I thought he was. I ran off. After a small breakdown, I made my decision. I wanted him to stay, at least for now. We all road on in silence. Quirky road ahead with Rowan, and I hung back, gripping Zook's fur and willing myself not to cry, not to scream for all the world to hear. I bit my lip so hard it bled. It was so hard to bear, I thought I might break. I had more questions for Quirky, but they would have to wait until that night so the others wouldn't hear.
When night fell, I took the second watch, though I barely slept through the first. After Grumble fell asleep, I went to the edge of the clearing where Quirky was sleeping and nudged him. How could he betray my trust? I loved him! Was he even a real cleric? A real gnome??
He was not a real cleric, just someone who had learned to steal powers and spells form the gods. He was a real gnome, however, and tiny as it was, my heart breathed a sigh of relief.
"I want to hate you," I told him. "I want to hate you so badly...but I can't. I just can't. I love you." I don't remember what he said, or if he said anything. I just remember he excused himself for a moment, and I promised to be waiting right there. Then the creature came.
It swooped out of the sky, and before I even had a chance to scream, I was wrenched into the sky by the most frightening creature I had ever seen. It took me high into a tree and landed there. I was pinned against the branch, one talon around my neck, one poised to eviscerate my middle. It hissed at me, and I cannot even describe to you the sound because it was at once hideous and beautiful. It accused me of poisoning Quirky's mind, of stealing him from her.
I didn't know what to do, I just tried to stay strong. I snapped back some very empty threats and tried my best to make them sound less empty, as the creature's talons closed more tightly around me. "Perhaps you think your cleric will save you," it spat. About then I heard Quirky call for me below. I called out to him and he lit the sky with a frightening red glow. He looked up, and I couldn't see him very well, but he looked more scared than me. Nialia was close behind him, and Quirky begged her not to make any sudden moves for fear I would be torn apart. Quirky pleaded for the thing to let me go, but it only insisted that I could never love him, understand him, like she did. Slightly more aware of what was transpiring, but terrified that I was watching my last moments play out, I tried to apologize. I hadn't meant any harm to anyone, nor to steal Quirky or turn him against anyone. The creature was furious and hissed:"Do you love him?" To my surprise, I said yes with more confidence that I have said my name on some days. I know in my heart it was the true answer, and I also knew it was the wrong one, if there was ever a chance of one being right.
The creature raised its talon to slash me to ribbons, when Quirky summoned some strange and terrifying energy, and killed it. The force of it all shattered the branch beneath me and I plummeted for the ground. By some magical grace, Grumble threw me a ring, and I managed to catch it and put it on without thinking. My fall slowed, and Rowan caught me. After that, I don't remember much. Just, questions. The truth about Quirky was revealed for all, and I felt sick. I was shaking so hard and sobbing. Then Quirky was gone.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to Quirky. I'm so hurt and confused, it feels like I may never sort this out. I know I love him, saying so felt so right, as if my heart had been waiting to say so since I was born. I think I forgive him. He's been nothing but a saint since I've known him. He put up with all my jabs and scoffing, and his hand was never far from mine whenever I was in danger. Hearing the truth about him cut me to the quick, and I do feel betrayed, yet when I try to bring up the hate I know I should feel for him, I cannot find any.
I don't know, I don't know!!!
My head feels like it's going to explode, and I think I'm going to be sick.
Did he really mean it when he said he loved me?
I am going to be sick.